To Be Guided By The Eye

Almost daily, I battle against the "old ways" of horse training.  Old ways declared a horse had to be overpowered and his spirit "broken" in order to have a 1200 pound animal that would obediently obey its rider.

New ways declare that through communication within our new understanding of horse language, we can gain a horses trust and become their leader.  

There are horses who must be ridden with saddle and bridle.  Some often are ridden with a more intense bit.  Others develop the communication and trust to allow their rider to guide them with small cues, using no tack.  This kind of a relationship requires focus and a heart that is fully "joined-up."

A couple months ago I started with a miniature horse gelding named Chazz.  This little guy has been around the block quite a few times.  He has been shown halter and has been started driving.  I started working with him because he wouldn't stand patiently in a show ring and if he spooked he would bolt with absolutly no concern for his human partner.  The first couple sessions were rough. Leading was torture as this guy tried to just pull me around and grass-dive constantly.  Pulling through cues and just being quite disrespectful.The interesting thing is he KNEW all the cues-quite well!  But he had no focus and I almost had to bully him to get him to pay attention.  I started focusing on keeping his eye on me...and not just one eye but two eyes.  Whenever we'd be working and he'd start falling apart again, I'd stop him and start having him keep his eyes on me.  This little guy turned around and amazed me.  I've never had a horse lock his eyes on me like this guy.  He didn't just lock his eyes on me, but on MY eyes! And he started WORKING for me.  It was awesome to watch the switch and experience the connection.

God reminded me of Isaiah 32.  In verse 8 it talks of Him TEACHING us and GUIDING us with His EYE.  Verse 9 goes on to instruct us not to be like a horse, needing to be bridled to be guided-much like the old way of handling horses. It hit me that in our new covenant we have opportunity for a connection like no other.  And the more we take time to keep our eye, or even eyes, on HIS, the better the connection.  It takes focus and time.  The connection is AMAZING!!!!

As I delighted in watching Chazz transform and feeling the connection, the scriptures say God delights in us!!!!

I want to learn to delight in Him as much as He delights in us!  Because I know that if the connection between Chazz and I can be created by focus, time and delight in each other can be as awesome as it is, God and the connection He has created for US is ours for the receiving and is SO  many more times as great as that I've developed with Chazz.

Positions of Leading

Many transitions have occurred in my life in the past month...transitions that leave me wondering what God is doing.  As I sat at my barn today watching storm after storm roll in, I began to think of my horses.  Leading is such a basic but essential skill and exercise.  It is usually one of the first exercises I start with and with it I begin a language of honor, respect and trust.

With horses there are three leading positions, each with a different communication of dominance.

The first is right out in front. This is the place of utmost dominance.  Every horse learning to lead and accept a leader should begin with the leader out in front almost dictating every step.  This instills an understanding of safety and respect and begins the language upon which communication can be built on with leaps and bounds.

The second is from the girth area back.This position is the place you find many Mommas taking with their little ones as they explore their world.  It is a position that gives the leader dominance without taking away the independence.  It gives the one being led an opportunity to learn and start to grow into themselves without crossing boundaries to far.  This is where immense learning takes place.

The third is at the shoulder area.  This puts the person in the least dominant position. I rarely see two horses take this position.  The only time I really have seen this is when two horses are grazing...usually they are fairly equal horses and each have positioned themselves to another horse in the herd.  When a person places themselves in this position, they have placed themselves "under" the dominance of the horse.  In my opinion, this position should be taken very rarely and with caution.

As I thought about these leading positions with horses, I felt in my spirit how God takes different positions with different people and at different times in each of our lives.  I hear people be critical of someone for being too reliant on God.  "Can't they think for themselves.  God made us to use our brains."  Other times I hear more criticism. "They just think they have it together and don't need God."

In my time of transition, I know God is with me and is GOOD.  I have chosen to join Him in the middle of the round pen so many times and heard His quiet voice and come to understand His language with me.  But He has taken a new position with me...and just as the horse becomes confused and sometimes fearful as I transition to a new leading position, I am feeling a little lost.  I look around for Him.  I ask Him what this new perspective on His communication means.  And I try.  And He is patient and kind, using that same quiet voice.  Assuring me it is still Him who leads, no matter what.

If there's one thing I'm learning about God, it is to never be surprised by Him or judge someone else's experience of Him...unless in contradicts Jesus and the scripture.  He is so beyond our comprehension and meets each person where they are in such unique ways...but always in TRUTH.

When I change into a different leading position, it is because I know the horse is ready for another step...a step that will bring growth.  God knows you are ready for another step...He will re position Himself and this is GOOD.

A Passion Out of Control

The last two days I was able to spend in a Horse Camp working with a client's horse on the mountain trails.  This horse had made SOOOO much progress at home in the arena and going out with just him and me on the trail.  So his crazy behavior really challenged my understanding of how to work with him.  I couldn't understand what had happened...I thought he had come to truly trust me.  As I worked with him in the peace and beauty of the mountain trails, I felt God tugging at my heart in that familiar way and I knew He was trying to show me something.  I could see it, but it took friends and family sharing and verbalizing truth from God tonight in church for me to be able to truly get what He was showing me.  I wanted to share, but please know that this isn't from me.  This is from God through special people and a special horse in a special place in the mountains.

Brio, the lovable, beautiful palomino Tennessee Walker gelding, LOVES to run.  You could say he is passionate about running...feeling the wind in his face and the power in his legs as he eats up the ground.  When I took him out on this mountain trail the first time with other horses, he lost his mind.  He saw space and other horses to race and show off to.  He connected with his wild inner self.  I saw this, but I also recognized that this passion to run, left undisciplined would lead to injury or worse.  Brio had no idea what cliffs were around.  And so we began our journey...Him defiantly insisting on running and my telling him it was not okay since he was not listening and being wise in his running.  We battled the first night so hard with little resolution.  The next day I let him out front, ahead of the group.  I wanted him to know I understood his love for running and I wasn't trying to shut him down.  Being in the lead also gave him a responsibility.  In a horse herd, the leader often is the one responsible for seeing danger first and leading the rest of the group through the paths safely.

On this second ride, Brio settled a bit and started taking a responsibility for his feet.  I would discipline his running when not asked with sharp cues OR when he chose to fly up a steep hill, I let him, until he recognized what I already knew, and we were sliding on the slippery pine needles and falling.  I then jumped off and led him back to the safety of the path.  In my confusion about his behavior and why he seemed to have lost all trust in me that I'd worked so hard to develop for two months, I was hesitant to discipline but I knew safety was involved and that if he did not recognize that I could see the bigger picture, his passion running wild could lead to serious injury or worse for him and/or myself.  So I continued my discipline, being consistent and fair but quite firm.  His settling both bothered me and helped me breathe easier.  It bothered me because I knew his passion and I knew I didn't want him giving up who he was, I just wanted him to be wise in it as much as a horse can be.

That night I went out again.  This time, with him allowing me to guide him more, I tapped into that wild passion of his.  In a lot of ways it went with mine.  I love to run wild on a horse and feel the wind in my face and the power under me.  And so I let him go.  This time he was listening as we ran and I guided him off the trail to a fallen log.  Confidently, he soared over it.  As he had learned to accept the discipline, and through it discipline himself, he was able to enter into his passion in a glorious jump that I believe truly made that horse feel whole.  He finally had had a human recognize his passion, and help him tap into that identity and heart he was born with.  But to get there, I KNOW he entered a place where he wondered why once again he was being told he couldn't run.  And he hated it.  Maybe even hated me.

I was born with a passion.  As a very young girl I often would rush headlong into passionate things that would get me into trouble.  From that time, I've received a message that passion was bad...that the things that excited me inside that made NO sense to most people, had to be hidden and eradicated.  God has revealed something though....He placed our passions inside us and He KNOWS them even better than we do.  But just like I recognized that Brio's passion, un-refined, would lead to destruction of life, God knows that as humans with limited "vision" our passions will also lead to destruction.  But as my joy welled up as we soared over that jump, knowing Brio was operating in the glory he was created for, God's greatest joy is when we can accept the direction and discipline to enter into that glorious identity and passion He created us for.  In His GREAT, UNFATHOMABLE love for me, He corrects me, sometimes painfully.  Other times He lets me fly up a treacherous mountain and begin to slip and fall, before He takes the lead and helps me get back to the perfect path of His will.  Either way, often when He disciplines me, I am frustrated and angry.  I once again feel like I must "disappear."  In reality, the core of who I am is EXACTLY where God wants me.  The passions He's placed inside of me are GOOD.  But it takes a perfect Father to teach me how to operate in those passions for LIFE.

One passion of mine has always been a love for people.  But in the wild, unbridled operation of this passion, I've hurt many people.  This has never been intentional just like Brio never meant to get hurt or even to hurt me.  But in my limited perspective of love, I've actually brought destruction into some lives.  As Brio had to learn to turn his ear to me before breaking into that passionate run, I must be willing to turn to the Holy Spirit and LISTEN before blindly following my passion.

God WANTS to soar with us over those logs and into a freedom of identity.

The Choice to Fight For My Life or Lay Down My Life

Any horse lover sees the wild mustang in a romantic sense and most hate the thought of them being roped and "broke." 

Last night, the vision of the loop of a cowboys lariat settling over a wild mustang's neck came upon me.

Horses are prey animals.  When they feel their life is in danger, their first instinct is to RUN.  If their running ability is taken from them, they will fight.  They have such a inborn desire to keep living that they will fight for their life, often until they believe all hope is gone. Some even fight to the last second.  The older cowboys broke their horses through lasting long enough that the horse was so tired and had no hope of escaping the "predator" on their back.  It is then that the horse gives in...gives up on life.

Today I was presented with a question that basically asked what I would do with the last year or even day of my life if money wasn't an issue.  My heart burns...I would fight for every last ounce of life there is.  My passion to LIVE is born of years of thinking life wasn't worth living....of years of not even realizing there is MORE.  Now, after a taste of the MORE, I will NOT quit fighting and pressing into that LIFE as long as there is breath in me. 

After making this realization in my heart, the scripture came to my mind about love being the willingness to lay down one's life for another.  Wow!  That has always been a tricky one for me.  We rarely come into the situations that we have to choose between our life and anothers.  Or do we?

My fight for life has a lot to do with the Mustang's fight for life.  Why does the Mustang fight?  Because we humans may not take care of him and keep him alive...in fact we represent death.  If a Mustang new a human would be an awesome partner and leader, do you think he would even fight?  In fact, that's what training does...it gets the Mustang to realize there is no reason to fight because the human does not desire to end his life, and is in fact very trustworthy.  It comes down to trust on a life and death level. 

In the past week, I've been hit with the realization of a fight in me against yeilding to others, especially those in any kind of authority.  Those in authority seem to have so much power to hurt.  So I fight...I fight for life...what I see as in grave danger if those in authority flip on me.  Just as a horse will fight for it's life and even hurt itself and others in the process, I find myself fighting for my life, no matter who I hurt.  My distrust in the good intentions of all people leave me fighting whenever that trust boundary is tested.  Often my fight involves running, just like the Mustang.  But I also fight...when feeling trapped and defiant.

But laying down my life...I would hope that if it was a choice between letting the gunman shoot myself or the next person, I'd step up...in my mind I think I could.  But yet I can't even let go of the fight for life enought to trust and submit to a leader.  That is a hard reality.

It seems my challenge to lay down my life, rests in my decision to truly make myself open and vulnerable to others.  To set aside the fight for life and risk losing what I deem so absolutely precious for those around me who I claim to love. 

Wow!  Not easy thing to swallow.

God has a perfect roping throw...that I'm sure of.  And yet He hasn't roped me.  He is waiting...all the while speaking to me in a language I know.  Asking for the fight for life to be set aside so He can show me...HIMSELF.  As long as I continue to only go so far and still cling to my fight for life, His goodness can not be proved...neither His love. 

Fear of New Dance Steps

Time is so precious...there is not much, if anything we can do to get back time lost.

My life has gone from busy but with margin as I spend much time with the horses, to quite packed...leaving home before 7 am and not returning until after 7 pm each day.

I've entered a new round pen in my life...this one is one where I'm being stretched and learning to move and "dance" in ways I never have and some days don't think I'm capable of.  In taking on an administration position in an office, I am facing having to learn to dance with people, which for me is SO much harder than with horse.

Coming from work last week into the field with one of my horse clients, I still was reeling form challenges in the office.  Most importantly the freak out feelings I get when things get changed on me.  Once I learn a routine, I want to keep it and don't do well with it being changed. 

Confusion arose as this horse, the one I've bonded and learned to communicate so well with, acted like a fool.  She was anxious, wanted nothing to do with me, and all in all was very unhappy.  As I looked at her eyes, a revelation hit me.  Last session with her, I'd mixed things up...added some new techniques.  This girl was just like me...not taking to the change in routine very well.  It freaked her out as she didn't know what to expect.  So I step back, take a breath and proceed to take her into our well-known routine.  Soon she is relaxed and moving with me in our dance.  There is so much more that our dance can contain, but because it freaks her out to change, it may take a while.  This girl cannot see beyond what she's found safety in...that is her routine.  Even though I KNOW if we change somethings up, our dance will become even more fufilling and move us on to the next step, she can not. 

The Israelites were much the same...their routine was their safety.  The inability to see or even trust in the Lord that there was MORE to their dance in the desert, was so much of what kept them going around the mountain...God knew the dance in the promised land that He so desired to bring them into...but He had to patiently send them around that mountain again.

A lifelong dance has been promised to me...and frustration arises so often at the lack of depth the steps I take hold.  But each time my Dad in heaven introduces a new routine, just like the horse, I freak out.  And so we return to the slow beginner steps. 

Faith in my Lord must grow.  Just like my horses trust in me must.  A faith that is not in what is seen and felt but in what is unseen and promised.  To touch the hem of His garment and KNOW I am healed and loved...nothing else matters.

Greater Things Are Yet to Be Done

Where Light is, there can not exist darkness...


Eight years ago Darkness reigned my life.  My inability to cope landed me in psych wards, long-term lock down facilities.  Chaos and confusion were my best friends. In James 3, it talks about that where envy and "self-seeking" exist, confusion and every evil thing are there. 

A couple weeks ago when I read that, I felt slapped...HARD.  Not only were chaos and confusion my best friends, EVERY evil thing penetrated and lived in and around me.  It was dark, and now I know why.  When I examined the self-seeking my reaction was shame which led to denial..."well, others hurt me," "I just wanted love because I never got it,"  "don't I deserve love too."  But in that denial the self-seeking RETURNS.  Reality is, my goals were for myself...and as strange as it seems, the Word was proved so correct in my life, as I gave up seeking the love for myself, I received it from my Heavenly Father in ways that still amaze me.

 The healing that was brought was a miracle as it's transformed a person who was unable to function and who ran person after person off, burned so many bridges, attemted death on too many occasions, to the woman I find in the mirror today who I can call beautiful, and often mean it, whose goal is to love EVERYONE fearlessly, to not leave one person behind on the dance floor, and who LIVES even when it means pain and trials. 

My heart has been singing the past three days as I received the letter stating the world no longer classifies me as disabled.  There is a freedom...no longer do the dance steps include steps labeled with confusion, voices, instability, mental illness.  There is a rope that settled around my soul the day I took on the world's labels.  Yes, I got some help and for that I'm grateful.  But I took those labels as an identitiy.  An identity is WHO we are at the core.  It is impossible to change who we are at the core.  So as I took on that world's label as who I was, there was no understanding of any other possibilties.  It was dark, and it would always be dark because that is who I was.  But the Truth says...Greater Things are Yet to Be Done!  Truth says "How dare anyone say you are less than who I made you to be."  But Truth was not part of the equation as I took on a label...only desperation and relief was my goal.  But I compromised my identity.  As I watched the rope of this world's understanding of my identity fall as I read the letter, my hands were freed to embrace an identity that is unique and so much more!  This identity is found as I explore the love of the King of Kings. 

And this morning, I heard the words "Greater things are yet to be done." Once again, I am in doubt.  Not in that it can be done, but this time, amazed...you mean there's even more?  The answer?  YES!!!

The Yearning for Harmony

       Riding in the big field, on a mare that just 4 months ago was nearly uncontrollable, I drop the reins.  Guiding my mount into figure eights and stops and various turns, simply with seat and legs, I decide for something new.  We proceed to work into a trot and then a canter, without ANY use of the reins.  As we fly through various turns, something rings so RIGHT in my spirit. 

       Harmony and Unity has always been something that my innermost person yearns for and fights for since I was very little.  And as I rode in amazing harmony with this very powerful creature, I realized that this yearning for a perfect harmony and unity, is not some character flaw or sensitivity of mine, but a carefully placed spot in my heart that mirrors my Creator's.  God's whole character strives for unity, from the "trinity" to His guidance for His children. 
        And a new revelation and motivation has entered my heart.  Truth and correction that can come in a perfect love that does not break this unity.  So often when God corrects me, I break away seeing it in a perspective of earthly correction that brings shame.  I run from truth because in my mind, truth means abandonment and rejection.  But just as I have worked to teach the mare I ride that my correction does not mean pain and fear, God is showing me that harmony and unity CAN continue, uninterrupted, even through His correction.
         But knowing ABOUT this, and experiencing it is two things.  The mare had to EXPERIENCE my corrections before truly being transformed.  God is working to give me EXPERIENCE in His perfect love and refinement.  It isn't comfortable and I've been running from it.  But through my ride God spoke to that part of my spirit that longs for the perfect harmony and showed that as my Daddy in heaven, His corrections only exist to bring me closer to Him and into that Harmony.

From The Heart

One of the most important lessons I've learned with training horses is that a behavior can change without truly changing the heart and mindset of the horse.  But at some point training falls short if the core isn't also transformed.

One of my first horses I trained for someone else was a gorgeous big blue roan Quarter Horse.  She was about 4 and had never really been touched except for one time someone tried to work with her.  This ended in her running, panicked, round and round the pen with the long rope "chasing" her.  When I got her, I started at the beginning with her, and worked her into even allowing me to saddle her.  She responded well to cues and to my less experienced eye, she seemed to be a totally transformed creature.  Then a day came when the rope ended up on the ground and drug beside her.  Her world broke into a million pieces.  Once again panicked, fearing for her very life, this beautiful big mare took off, running through two fences before finally stopping, probably resigned to be eaten alive by a "monster."  In the moment that seemed to last forever, none of the training of the many cues mattered. 

Confused at this, I spent much time pondering what might have happened.  Working through my own therapy, I finally found an answer.  Behaviors, and even surface ways of relating, can be changed, even fairly quickly.  But unless the heart is also transformed and healed, that foundation will ALWAYS be returned to in time of trials and pressure.  This mare had been traumatized.  I had taught her a lot, but had not been able to teach her to bond with and trust me in a way that could replace that foundation. 

So many times, we find something in Scripture and truly want to change something about us to align with what the Word says.   We focus on how it APPEARS.  But this appearance can NOT last because our heart hasn't been transformed.  And we can't transform it.  We can press in....that's what a horse has to do.  The horse can not build or rebuild the needed foundation, but as they press closer to a good leader,  they guide them into a transformation process.  We, as humans, can not transform ourselves...we have to press in to our Lord and leader.  He can transform us into amazing masterpieces.  But as long as we only look at surface appearances in applying His principles and instructions, we are relying on OURSELVES and OUR strength.  I think it's hard to look deeper...it's frightening to know I can't change me.  It's refreshing and precious to work with horses....they're not really concerned at all in how they look or act.  But if horses find a leader who is good, safe and trustworthy, the horse will press in and mentor him/her until we, as an outsider who loves to judge appearances, find it beautiful and perfect. 

As I work on a horse, and a behavior begins to change and blossom, I've learned to check...where is this behavior rooted?  My goal is that the motivation is on a trust, love, and respect relationship.  If not, I can be certain that when we meet up with something scary like a cougar, things will fall apart and I will not be able to count on my equine partner. 

From the One in the middle

             
 My heart broke today in the round pen with my horse, Tiger.  Through a hard training session with her, God opened the eyes of my heart to a picture of pain-the pain that comes when we place our trust, faith and love of God on a fellow human....and that human abuses/misuses their place.  This is NOT about church or pastor bashing!
              Tiger is a beautiful 4 year old paint mare-probably a range mustang.  She was "rescued" off of a slaughter truck by a family who meant well but truly missed the mark with this horse's heart.  Since wshe was untouchable, they tied her feet to a stock panel so they could force the halter on her and begin her "training."  They used familiar round pen techniques to accomplish a "join-up" and then proceeded to mishandle her. 
              Today, as I round-penned Tiger, hoping for her to join me in the middle, I  watched a battle take place-a very familiar battle to me but one I saw in a new light.  At one time she'd chosen to join a person in the middle.  But as her belief that the person could be a good leader faded into the darkness of mistreatment, Tiger placed walls up.  Her would-be leader used all the right techniques to be her leader but then they destroyed her.  Here I was in the middle of the pen, performing those same techniques but she would NOT give this time.  She has no understanding my heart and plan for her was so different than theirs.
             Finally, as I sat down in the  middle seeing this reality, I also saw people whose hearts have been given to churches and pastors.  They've placed a trust in them that should be on God.  And so many churches and pastors do not have the wisdom and understanding to address this very well.  So whether from a bad heart or simply lacking spiritual maturity, they take the place of Tiger's old owners, using familiar, good techniques to cause a join-up...but to a human, not to God.
             These poeple come away broken and have built walls.  Then when God comes close and begins to beckon us into the middle with Him, we throw up our walls, willing to run ourselves in circles, even to death. 
              Tiger needs to understand the plans I have for her...when she begins to understand them, she will choose to join me. Then, she will begin to learn WHO I am--that I AM the good, and capable leader she desires.
              In my pain, I've run circles, resisting a join-up with God, even to sickness.  God began giving me a vision of His plans for me-a destiny.  Slowly, my walls came down and my head turns toward the middle and my pace slows.  A dialog begins and I head for the middle, only to have a tumbleweed roll by, scaring me back to the rail.  But still He's beckoning, knowing, as I know with Tiger, that if I'd just rest in the middle and choose a join-up with Him, I'd learn who He is, and He's good.
         

Lesson with the Horses

As a horse trainer, I continually find metaphors of life in what I do.  Last night, God gave me a word and a picture.  When I start horses, especially if they've never been touched before, I will work in a round pen.  For the most part I remain in the center area of the pen while the horse travels around me on the rail.  During this time, my goal is to develop a foundation of communication between me and the horse that will lead to trust and a partnership.  Periodically, I may invite the horse to join me in the middle.

 Generally, the horse may start to come in but then choose to return to the rail, not quite ready to trust me as his leader yet, even though where I am there is rest and assurance and safety.  The horse does not recognize this yet or, in some cases, is not willing to give up it's own leadership to one it doesn't believe can lead yet.  God revealed to me that we so often cling to our life on the rail, unwilling and unable to see and understand a life in the middle, in the presence of a great leader. 

I so long to be in His presence, and yet i return again and again to the rail...the groove i've worn into the ground.  I see in some of the horses what I feel.  As a trainer, I know what's best and what I want but i can't just tell them how to do it...i have to try to facilitate and support as they work it out...eventually joining me in the middle.  And here I am,  I do have the understanding and desire to be in the middle, but how to break away from my well-beaten path is a question I can't find an answere for.  And just like the horses I work with, no one else's answer is mine.  Each horse has unique solutions for their issues, and each of us have unique paths we must walk.

Today is the day!

It has been just over 8 years since I got on disability with the label mental illness. I've had many diagnoses from schizophrenia to Bipolar to borderline personality disorder. At the time I started receiving benefits, I was unable to function in simple daily routines. Now, 8 years later, I am scheduled to have a psychiatric evaluation. Why? Because they believe I no longer need benefits. As I write this, I am beyond overwhelmed at what God has done. Just a year ago, I was on meds and cutting DAILY as a way to cope. Yes, I've had to work hard to choose obedience to my heavenly Father's commands but ONLY through His miraculous healing, love and power can I sit here and write that I am days short of being completely off meds for a year and have not cut in months. I not only can take care of myself and be independent, but I am capable of taking on the blessing of pouring into and helping care for four amazing children and teaching them how to grow and function and relate and LIVE. My horse training is at a level I only dreamed of. It is beyond my understanding why God had chosen me, fought for me, and defended me when I was basically scoffing in His face, but I am SOOOOO humbled and grateful to Him. I was a case for many years that educated doctors said would never function normally or be able to work. Many believed I would die at my own hand through my stupid, but desperate, choices. In the eyes of many I was a lost cause. But our God is a God who chooses the fools and the weak of the world. 

 
Thank you Jesus! !! And thank you to those who have believed in the unseen in my life. Tonight I CELEBRATE LIFE that is a gift and so worth living! !!!