From The Heart

One of the most important lessons I've learned with training horses is that a behavior can change without truly changing the heart and mindset of the horse.  But at some point training falls short if the core isn't also transformed.

One of my first horses I trained for someone else was a gorgeous big blue roan Quarter Horse.  She was about 4 and had never really been touched except for one time someone tried to work with her.  This ended in her running, panicked, round and round the pen with the long rope "chasing" her.  When I got her, I started at the beginning with her, and worked her into even allowing me to saddle her.  She responded well to cues and to my less experienced eye, she seemed to be a totally transformed creature.  Then a day came when the rope ended up on the ground and drug beside her.  Her world broke into a million pieces.  Once again panicked, fearing for her very life, this beautiful big mare took off, running through two fences before finally stopping, probably resigned to be eaten alive by a "monster."  In the moment that seemed to last forever, none of the training of the many cues mattered. 

Confused at this, I spent much time pondering what might have happened.  Working through my own therapy, I finally found an answer.  Behaviors, and even surface ways of relating, can be changed, even fairly quickly.  But unless the heart is also transformed and healed, that foundation will ALWAYS be returned to in time of trials and pressure.  This mare had been traumatized.  I had taught her a lot, but had not been able to teach her to bond with and trust me in a way that could replace that foundation. 

So many times, we find something in Scripture and truly want to change something about us to align with what the Word says.   We focus on how it APPEARS.  But this appearance can NOT last because our heart hasn't been transformed.  And we can't transform it.  We can press in....that's what a horse has to do.  The horse can not build or rebuild the needed foundation, but as they press closer to a good leader,  they guide them into a transformation process.  We, as humans, can not transform ourselves...we have to press in to our Lord and leader.  He can transform us into amazing masterpieces.  But as long as we only look at surface appearances in applying His principles and instructions, we are relying on OURSELVES and OUR strength.  I think it's hard to look deeper...it's frightening to know I can't change me.  It's refreshing and precious to work with horses....they're not really concerned at all in how they look or act.  But if horses find a leader who is good, safe and trustworthy, the horse will press in and mentor him/her until we, as an outsider who loves to judge appearances, find it beautiful and perfect. 

As I work on a horse, and a behavior begins to change and blossom, I've learned to check...where is this behavior rooted?  My goal is that the motivation is on a trust, love, and respect relationship.  If not, I can be certain that when we meet up with something scary like a cougar, things will fall apart and I will not be able to count on my equine partner. 

From the One in the middle

             
 My heart broke today in the round pen with my horse, Tiger.  Through a hard training session with her, God opened the eyes of my heart to a picture of pain-the pain that comes when we place our trust, faith and love of God on a fellow human....and that human abuses/misuses their place.  This is NOT about church or pastor bashing!
              Tiger is a beautiful 4 year old paint mare-probably a range mustang.  She was "rescued" off of a slaughter truck by a family who meant well but truly missed the mark with this horse's heart.  Since wshe was untouchable, they tied her feet to a stock panel so they could force the halter on her and begin her "training."  They used familiar round pen techniques to accomplish a "join-up" and then proceeded to mishandle her. 
              Today, as I round-penned Tiger, hoping for her to join me in the middle, I  watched a battle take place-a very familiar battle to me but one I saw in a new light.  At one time she'd chosen to join a person in the middle.  But as her belief that the person could be a good leader faded into the darkness of mistreatment, Tiger placed walls up.  Her would-be leader used all the right techniques to be her leader but then they destroyed her.  Here I was in the middle of the pen, performing those same techniques but she would NOT give this time.  She has no understanding my heart and plan for her was so different than theirs.
             Finally, as I sat down in the  middle seeing this reality, I also saw people whose hearts have been given to churches and pastors.  They've placed a trust in them that should be on God.  And so many churches and pastors do not have the wisdom and understanding to address this very well.  So whether from a bad heart or simply lacking spiritual maturity, they take the place of Tiger's old owners, using familiar, good techniques to cause a join-up...but to a human, not to God.
             These poeple come away broken and have built walls.  Then when God comes close and begins to beckon us into the middle with Him, we throw up our walls, willing to run ourselves in circles, even to death. 
              Tiger needs to understand the plans I have for her...when she begins to understand them, she will choose to join me. Then, she will begin to learn WHO I am--that I AM the good, and capable leader she desires.
              In my pain, I've run circles, resisting a join-up with God, even to sickness.  God began giving me a vision of His plans for me-a destiny.  Slowly, my walls came down and my head turns toward the middle and my pace slows.  A dialog begins and I head for the middle, only to have a tumbleweed roll by, scaring me back to the rail.  But still He's beckoning, knowing, as I know with Tiger, that if I'd just rest in the middle and choose a join-up with Him, I'd learn who He is, and He's good.
         

Lesson with the Horses

As a horse trainer, I continually find metaphors of life in what I do.  Last night, God gave me a word and a picture.  When I start horses, especially if they've never been touched before, I will work in a round pen.  For the most part I remain in the center area of the pen while the horse travels around me on the rail.  During this time, my goal is to develop a foundation of communication between me and the horse that will lead to trust and a partnership.  Periodically, I may invite the horse to join me in the middle.

 Generally, the horse may start to come in but then choose to return to the rail, not quite ready to trust me as his leader yet, even though where I am there is rest and assurance and safety.  The horse does not recognize this yet or, in some cases, is not willing to give up it's own leadership to one it doesn't believe can lead yet.  God revealed to me that we so often cling to our life on the rail, unwilling and unable to see and understand a life in the middle, in the presence of a great leader. 

I so long to be in His presence, and yet i return again and again to the rail...the groove i've worn into the ground.  I see in some of the horses what I feel.  As a trainer, I know what's best and what I want but i can't just tell them how to do it...i have to try to facilitate and support as they work it out...eventually joining me in the middle.  And here I am,  I do have the understanding and desire to be in the middle, but how to break away from my well-beaten path is a question I can't find an answere for.  And just like the horses I work with, no one else's answer is mine.  Each horse has unique solutions for their issues, and each of us have unique paths we must walk.

Today is the day!

It has been just over 8 years since I got on disability with the label mental illness. I've had many diagnoses from schizophrenia to Bipolar to borderline personality disorder. At the time I started receiving benefits, I was unable to function in simple daily routines. Now, 8 years later, I am scheduled to have a psychiatric evaluation. Why? Because they believe I no longer need benefits. As I write this, I am beyond overwhelmed at what God has done. Just a year ago, I was on meds and cutting DAILY as a way to cope. Yes, I've had to work hard to choose obedience to my heavenly Father's commands but ONLY through His miraculous healing, love and power can I sit here and write that I am days short of being completely off meds for a year and have not cut in months. I not only can take care of myself and be independent, but I am capable of taking on the blessing of pouring into and helping care for four amazing children and teaching them how to grow and function and relate and LIVE. My horse training is at a level I only dreamed of. It is beyond my understanding why God had chosen me, fought for me, and defended me when I was basically scoffing in His face, but I am SOOOOO humbled and grateful to Him. I was a case for many years that educated doctors said would never function normally or be able to work. Many believed I would die at my own hand through my stupid, but desperate, choices. In the eyes of many I was a lost cause. But our God is a God who chooses the fools and the weak of the world. 

 
Thank you Jesus! !! And thank you to those who have believed in the unseen in my life. Tonight I CELEBRATE LIFE that is a gift and so worth living! !!!