The Choice to Fight For My Life or Lay Down My Life

Any horse lover sees the wild mustang in a romantic sense and most hate the thought of them being roped and "broke." 

Last night, the vision of the loop of a cowboys lariat settling over a wild mustang's neck came upon me.

Horses are prey animals.  When they feel their life is in danger, their first instinct is to RUN.  If their running ability is taken from them, they will fight.  They have such a inborn desire to keep living that they will fight for their life, often until they believe all hope is gone. Some even fight to the last second.  The older cowboys broke their horses through lasting long enough that the horse was so tired and had no hope of escaping the "predator" on their back.  It is then that the horse gives in...gives up on life.

Today I was presented with a question that basically asked what I would do with the last year or even day of my life if money wasn't an issue.  My heart burns...I would fight for every last ounce of life there is.  My passion to LIVE is born of years of thinking life wasn't worth living....of years of not even realizing there is MORE.  Now, after a taste of the MORE, I will NOT quit fighting and pressing into that LIFE as long as there is breath in me. 

After making this realization in my heart, the scripture came to my mind about love being the willingness to lay down one's life for another.  Wow!  That has always been a tricky one for me.  We rarely come into the situations that we have to choose between our life and anothers.  Or do we?

My fight for life has a lot to do with the Mustang's fight for life.  Why does the Mustang fight?  Because we humans may not take care of him and keep him alive...in fact we represent death.  If a Mustang new a human would be an awesome partner and leader, do you think he would even fight?  In fact, that's what training does...it gets the Mustang to realize there is no reason to fight because the human does not desire to end his life, and is in fact very trustworthy.  It comes down to trust on a life and death level. 

In the past week, I've been hit with the realization of a fight in me against yeilding to others, especially those in any kind of authority.  Those in authority seem to have so much power to hurt.  So I fight...I fight for life...what I see as in grave danger if those in authority flip on me.  Just as a horse will fight for it's life and even hurt itself and others in the process, I find myself fighting for my life, no matter who I hurt.  My distrust in the good intentions of all people leave me fighting whenever that trust boundary is tested.  Often my fight involves running, just like the Mustang.  But I also fight...when feeling trapped and defiant.

But laying down my life...I would hope that if it was a choice between letting the gunman shoot myself or the next person, I'd step up...in my mind I think I could.  But yet I can't even let go of the fight for life enought to trust and submit to a leader.  That is a hard reality.

It seems my challenge to lay down my life, rests in my decision to truly make myself open and vulnerable to others.  To set aside the fight for life and risk losing what I deem so absolutely precious for those around me who I claim to love. 

Wow!  Not easy thing to swallow.

God has a perfect roping throw...that I'm sure of.  And yet He hasn't roped me.  He is waiting...all the while speaking to me in a language I know.  Asking for the fight for life to be set aside so He can show me...HIMSELF.  As long as I continue to only go so far and still cling to my fight for life, His goodness can not be proved...neither His love. 

Fear of New Dance Steps

Time is so precious...there is not much, if anything we can do to get back time lost.

My life has gone from busy but with margin as I spend much time with the horses, to quite packed...leaving home before 7 am and not returning until after 7 pm each day.

I've entered a new round pen in my life...this one is one where I'm being stretched and learning to move and "dance" in ways I never have and some days don't think I'm capable of.  In taking on an administration position in an office, I am facing having to learn to dance with people, which for me is SO much harder than with horse.

Coming from work last week into the field with one of my horse clients, I still was reeling form challenges in the office.  Most importantly the freak out feelings I get when things get changed on me.  Once I learn a routine, I want to keep it and don't do well with it being changed. 

Confusion arose as this horse, the one I've bonded and learned to communicate so well with, acted like a fool.  She was anxious, wanted nothing to do with me, and all in all was very unhappy.  As I looked at her eyes, a revelation hit me.  Last session with her, I'd mixed things up...added some new techniques.  This girl was just like me...not taking to the change in routine very well.  It freaked her out as she didn't know what to expect.  So I step back, take a breath and proceed to take her into our well-known routine.  Soon she is relaxed and moving with me in our dance.  There is so much more that our dance can contain, but because it freaks her out to change, it may take a while.  This girl cannot see beyond what she's found safety in...that is her routine.  Even though I KNOW if we change somethings up, our dance will become even more fufilling and move us on to the next step, she can not. 

The Israelites were much the same...their routine was their safety.  The inability to see or even trust in the Lord that there was MORE to their dance in the desert, was so much of what kept them going around the mountain...God knew the dance in the promised land that He so desired to bring them into...but He had to patiently send them around that mountain again.

A lifelong dance has been promised to me...and frustration arises so often at the lack of depth the steps I take hold.  But each time my Dad in heaven introduces a new routine, just like the horse, I freak out.  And so we return to the slow beginner steps. 

Faith in my Lord must grow.  Just like my horses trust in me must.  A faith that is not in what is seen and felt but in what is unseen and promised.  To touch the hem of His garment and KNOW I am healed and loved...nothing else matters.